Topic Name: Basic Knowledge (Part
I) of Sex
Writer: Dr. Amrit Rao (AIIMS, India)
from Page I
29) Fear of venereal diseases
This often haunts many males even after marriage. Every
time they go to bed they think might catch the dreaded
infection and be impotent forever. They are told that if
they attempt intercourse with women, they are like to
get venereal disease, which will ruin their life. This
subconscious fear of venereal disease is known to affect
potency, even though the man knows that the wife is a
virgin and free from the V.D.
30) First Night/time Impotency :
Young men who have not has premartial sex find it
difficult to penetrate the vagina unless the women
actively cooperates and helps at the begining of
intercourse. Many men suffer from the primitive fear of
the women's body and her vagina. Young boys are often
told by their elder brothers, 'If you enter a vagina,
go there with a lantern, lest you be lost.' These
fantasies persist in life and produce tremendous fear of
the woman's body, which may finally lead to impotency.
There is also the fear of hurting the loved one, which
results in diminished potency. If the female partner is
not psychologically and sexually prepared for what is in
store for her, she grows very tense and rigid, thus
making penetration by the male difficult or well
impossible. The male partner mistakenly believes this
inability to penetrate to be failure on his part, which
in turn might result in impotency.
female does not cooperate, one has less time, is very
tired, inappropriate environment & lack of privacy, has
taken some alcohol can lead to impotency.
but not the least, if a couple wants to practice
premature withdrawal before discharge of the semen, the
preoccupation can often result impotency in the male,
more so in premarital or extra-marital sexual
intercourse. Similarly a infertile couple impotency
result because they are bold to sex on particular day
and they are always preoccupied for child.
Many women do not realize that they completely dominate
their husbands. The equality of sexes and sexual freedom
is leading to increased female domination and
assertiveness. Society is becoming increasingly
matriarchal. Is it surprising them to find that the poor
paper tiger finds difficulty in tackling the tigress?
course, women do not do it consciously, and express
great surprise in the consulting rooms when their
dominating characteristics are pointed out to them. A
charming, smartly turned out lady once complained about
her husband's impotence. She was very meticulous and
dominated all his activities. The husband was a nice,
reticent man, who casually mentioned that his wife ran
his life to the minutest detail. If both men and women
decide to give some thought to what constitutes
masculine and feminine roles, potency in men will
invariably assert itself. We must here point out that
most women are conscious of their dominating traits, but,
once things have been explained to them, they are
convinced and invariably try their best to change. A
lady patient of mine once very rightly said, 'The
female can have full gratification only if the male is on
top of the woman-in every sense of work.'
Hostility and resentment : Though this cause
operates few years after marriage, in some cases the
subconscious hostility and resentment towards the wife
can lead to impotency. Not liking wife due to her family
background/or educational or financial superiority &
nature disliking her or her premarital relations can
Failure from weakness of desire
the sexual urge is repressed in childhood, the child
grows up showing lack of interest in women. In later
life, this lack of interest makes him avoid women.
Women are not his preserve; they are meant for other
lucky males. He represses his urge, until ultimately
sexual desire and night emissions stop and impotent sets
34) Diversion of energy
Many moralists and religious leaders have advocated
self-control, abstinence and suppression of sex, so that
the Soul may reach higher level and ultimately become
one with the Creator, Conversion of sexual other energy
into energy, not only results in impotency but also
leads to nervous disturbances.
35) Situational Impotency
a condition, where the male is potent with one female
but with another his potency diminishes at times. It
occurs due to disorder of sex centers.
Failure with one women but not with another
so happened that on the wedding night, when the tense,
sensitive boy could not perform because he was self-conscious
about getting a proper erection, his wife ridiculed him
about his inability. this set up a tremendous
inferiority complex in him, with the result he was never
successful with her. Two years later, after his
divorce, he remarried a childhood friend of his. this
girl had tremendous understanding of her man, with
result that he was able to function normally with her
and in short time she became a pregnant. There are also
cases where the husband is impotent with the mistress
and yet has normal sexual relationship with his wife. In
the later case, where the man is impotent with his
mistress, the cause may be guilt or fear that they may
be find out. Conversely, the impotence with his wife can
be due to to getting tired of the same women. Man is
basically a polygamous and quite often likes to pay
attention to other women without any dishonorable
Impotency with Loved Female
Freud described the type of characteristics impotency
where a man loves his wife and yet is unable to have
intercourse with her, yet is perfectly normal with other
females. Freud said :'When such men love, they have no
desire, and when they desire, they cannot love,'
According to him, during the emotional development of a
boy, the affection and love that he has for his mother
is much older than the sensual sex feelings which arise
at puberty. In an emotionally mature male, the older
feelings of affection and love are detached from the
mother and fused with the newer, sensual feelings of
affection, and both of them in turn get attached to the
loved one-the girlfriend or wife. If, on the other hand,
the newer sensual feeling in a boy got attached to the
old affection for the mother, impotency results. We had
a patient, aged 27, married for four months, whose wife
stated that their marriage was not consummated and that
the husband complained of severe headache and always
postponed intercourse. before marriage the husband was a
Casanova and was proud of his sexual conquests. Before
marriage our sensual athlete was very attached to his
mother, but when he moved out of the house to live with
his wife, she became a mother substitute. He had strong
guilt feelings whenever he attempted to make love to
her, which ultimately made him impotent.
induced Impotence is the commonest form of impotence in
the Stress Century. Its peculiar characteristic is that
the male does not have an erection during intercourse
with his female partner but has very strong 'morning
erections' or has erection during masturbation or during
watching a sexy movie, reading erotic books or a sexual
dream. If the individual did not have unconscious sex
anxiety and inhibitions, he would function normally. If
a person has morning erection but does not have erection
during intercourse, he can be sure that his impotence
can be cured in most cases with drug & sex therapy.
one theory postulates that sexual dysfunction arises
from a sexually destructive environment created by the
partners. For example, a female partner may pass
derisive remarks about the male's sexual performance,
laying the foundation for sex centre impotence.
first time anxiety of sex, fear of failure and
spectatoring (the patient watching all the time to see
if he is getting an erection or not) were the immediate
factors responsible for sexual dysfunction. If these
factors are removed by sex therapy, sexual functioning
soon become normal. The new, intensive team treatment
(both partners are simultaneously treated) of sexual
dysfunction which revolutionary sex therapy. 'In many
cases, the sexual dysfunction have their roots in the
more immediate and simpler problems, which were ignored
until recently, such as the anticipation of failure or
rejection and humiliation by the partner,' However, in
some cases merely removing the immediate causes is not
enough and detailed is necessary to tackle the remote
causes of sex centre induced impotence can be
conveniently divided into two groups : (1) immediate
cause, and (2) remote cause. such a classification is
helpful in the treatment of impotence. If the impotence
is due to immediate causes, a removal of these factors
results in adequate sexual functioning. In impotence due
to remote causes, detailed sex therapy may be necessary
for a more lasting cure.
: A child's experience of his or her family attitudes
towards sexuality and personal relationships is likely
to have a profound effect on later psychosexual
development. Thus, in many families, sex is never
discussed and because it is a taboo subject becomes,
regarded by a child as something which must in some way
be wrong or shameful. In other families, parents may
openly express their negative attitudes towards
sexuality. A boy may be encouraged to regard women who
enjoy sex as disreputable, so that he may develop a
double standard towards women-the notion of the 'good'
woman who is not sexual, or at least keeps her sexuality
under a tight cover and who will make a suitable marital
partner, and the 'bad' women who actively enjoys sex he
seeks out such women for sexual experience, but who
should be avoided at all costs when it comes to finding
a permanent mate.
double standard towards female sexuality may lead a boy
to seek out a non-responsive partner, or he may
experience revulsion when he discovers that his
partner's level of sexual desire is equivalent to his
own. He is also likely to treat disparagingly partners
who are sexually responsive.
the relationship between parents is characterized by
friction and lack of affection, especially physical
affection, a child is presented with a poor initial
model for men/women relationships. Similarly, if the
relationship between the child and either parent is
lacking warmth and affection, then difficulties in
establishing intimate relationships in adulthood may be
encountered. One would predict that the relationship
with the opposite-sex parent would be most important in
Nettlbladt and Uddenberg (1979) found that when compared
with men with good sexual adjustments, those with sexual
dysfunction more often described their father
negatively, and reported contact with them during
childhood and adolescence as being poor and relatively
infrequent. They also more often reported infrequent and
poor contact with their mothers during adolescence (but
not during childhood), and tended to characters their
mother as dominating. Those persons who are very-very
attached to mother they sometime start visualizing
mother in his wife leading sometime to impotency or
sometime they do not sexually become arousal with wife
fearing loss of love by mother for him.
of us learn about sex during infancy and childhood. If
the mother considers sex dirty, the boy grows up
believing that it is dirty. at the critical moment when
he initiates intercourse, a voice whispers in his ear,
'Sex is dirty. Remember what your mother taught you.' He
does not get a hard-on or the erection is lost as there
is a conflict between the conscious desire to enjoy sex
and the sub-conscious fear or guilt of doing so. Thus an
emotional conflict is responsible for the impotence. His
belief that his naughty father is 'harming' or injuring'
his darling mother during the sex act when ever he sees
/ or think them during sex, are often responsible for
sexual dysfunction in adult life.
Freud was the first to point out that sexual conflict in
childhood was the important cause of adult sexual
dysfunction. The unconscious is also the store house or
godown of old junk-discarded, unpleasant sexual memories
which are not wiped off but preserved and waiting to pop
out into the conscious whenever he attempts sex.
Why does the conflict arise ?
little children, according to him, are dominated by
sexual desire and fantasies. However, they suppress them
for fear of incurring the wrath of their parents. The
little chaps like to play with his penis but mainly the
mother and also the father prevent him from doing so.
'Don't touch there, ' scolds his mama. The little boy is
now torn between the desire to enjoy the erotic feeling
of touching himself and fear of his mother's anger and
loss of love. Mummy must be right, ' he thinks. 'It is
bad to enjoy myself by playing with myself.' So he
suppresses his erotic desires and shuts them off in the
unconscious where they lie buried but surface into
consciousness when he attempts sex as an adult : 'Mama
said sex is dirty, Don't do it, ' The inevitable result
of the conflict is impotence.
Sexual conflict can also result from fear of retaliation
by God or society. 'I am a sinner. God will punish me'
little boy is always attached to his mother and thinks
the father is his rival, monopolizing his mother.
Similarly, a little girl is attached to her father and
imagines that the mother is her rival. In other words,
the child always chooses the parent of the opposite sex
as the object of his or her eroticism.
boy at this stage feels an intense urge and longing for
his mother and loves her while he hates his father. The
impossible romance with his own mother leads to a
conflict with his father, a guilt about his secret love
for his mother to which is added an element of anxiety.
Freud terms it 'castration anxiety. : the fear that his
jealous father will castrate him (cut off his penis) if
he finds out about his love. As he cannot fulfill his
wish and is scared of his father, he represses his love
for his mother. But soon child matures & he start loving
other girls. But if he is not able to come out of this
fear whenever he makes love to females he starts fearing
leading to impotence.
Sexual Conflict in Childhood
Sexually is an extremely pleasurable and powerful drive
in a growing child, but its expression is denied in our
sexually-constraining society. Sexuality is taboo. Sex
is dirty. Sex is sinful society tells child.
incessant desire to express his sexuality and its
constant denial produces a conflict in the child. He
grows up with a feeling of guilt and fear which can
damage his sexual functioning. For example, every time
the youngster wants to touch his genitals or wants to
make love to his mother while the father is away, he is
extremely worried for scolding from father.
38) Impotence following vasectomy / or surgery
However, an increasing number of males have reported
erectile problems following sterilization/ 'Doctor I was
functioning fine until I was sterilized. I noticed that
within two months after the operation. I lost my
manliness, 'said Vijay Kumar , lamenting. I wish I had
not succumbed to the surgery.' It is therefore
imperative that the person having vasectomy understands
its implications. He should be told that sterility and
virility are two different things. A man can be
sterilized so that the ejaculate does not contain sperms
and yet be virile and perfectly capable of normal
intercourse. Secondly, the operation does not affect his
sexual pattern in any way. However, some patients feel
that the surgery has castrated them and their own
anxiety leads to a waning erection. It is their
self-effects. Erection is dependent upon the male
hormone testosterone which is released directly into the
blood stream. Secondly, the testes contribute a very
small portion of the liquid ejaculated, so the quantity
of the ejaculate will not decrease appreciably.
assume that they are expected to take the sexual
initiative, and must anxiously decide whether or not to
'go further'-a lonely decision, not helped by some
girls-friends who confusingly say 'no' when they really
mean 'yes'. he may be unsure what 'further' really
means, yet dare not ask. Once he has embarked on full
intercourse, a sexually inexperienced young man's fear
usually center around his ability to establish and
maintain an exercise, and how long he can hold on
before he ejaculates. Anxiety is likely to confirm his
fears. If his erection has failed in the past (perhaps
because of lack of knowledge) he will be even more on
edge. Premature ejaculation may result in young men, and
this can be extremely embracing for them-particularly
in a new relationship when they are wanting to impress.
Much of the sexual boasting of the young men hides the
reality of unsatisfactory sexual exploits. For some,
these early experiences can put them off relationships
for many years, before their personal confidence is
sufficient to cope with the threat of further sexual
failure and the consequent humiliation.
Many girls begin with unanswered questions
about being touched, will my breasts and genitalia be
acceptable to my partner? (Most girls have never seen
another's genitalia.) What behavior will risk
pregnancy. Will whatever I have been doing in past show
on my face or breasts or genitalia (masturbation,
petting, intercourse)? What about VD, herpes. Will
having sex with him make him like me more or less?
And the most private worries of all-which,
like all adolescent tasks, continue throughout our
life-are worries about our sexual performance. When
inexperienced, a girl may not realize that increased
vaginal lubrication is part of sexual arousal. She may
feel embraced by it-or, once she realizes its
significance, by the lack of it. She may be aware of the
word orgasm, but may never have experienced one, and may
be pressurized by her partner into pretending to reach a
climax-which, of course, is the most likely way to
ensure she will not! Most teenage girls do no experience
regular climax in lovemaking or petting, for a variety
of reasons. They rarely feel totally relaxed in the
relationship, which may be transient or uncommitted;
they may fear pregnancy; their partner may have little
technique (he will not know how to caress her genitalia
and she dare not tell him!) and the setting for
lovemaking may be hurried, furtive and uncomfortable
with little opportunity for privacy and relaxation. She
may also fear penetration, if she has had little sexual
experience, and develop vaginistmus or spasms of the
lower part of vagina, which prevents consummation of
Sexual ignorance and misunderstanding
of us lack confidence in our sexual behavior, and
wonder if we are pleasing our partner or doing it
properly! But we fear asking in case we make fools of
ourselves, and even more we fear criticizing our partner's
technique. There is a tremendous taboo on any talk about
sex in marriage-yet good sexual communication can
transform a physical relationship. You don't need to use
words-just put your hand over your partner's and show
him or her how you like being touched, particularly in
more delicate area such as genitalia; then ask you
partner to show how he or she like to be touched. Being
able to express yourself in this way (and protect
yourself if you don't like what's being done to you)
really enhances lovemaking. You are not dictating to
your partner, merely communicating what you like and
don't like; it's up to him or her to decide when to do
it or not.
Let's look at some of the common
misunderstandings about sexual behaviors which can also
be cleared up with good communication.
1) Remember Male or Female any one can initiate
sex if don't want politely say no because going in sex
act without desire often result in unsatisfactory sex..
2) Foreplay. In a new relationship, people kiss,
caress and fondle each other before attempting
intercourse, and enjoy penetration more as a result
being more highly aroused. But, once sex becomes an
established ritual, some couples abandon much kissing
and foreplay and concentrate on genital sex. this is
unfortunate and usually reduces sexual pleasure.
Caressing does not have to lead to intercourse once you
are married-Genital caressing is usually necessary if a
woman wants to reach orgasm.
During sexual arousal several snags may be encountered.
A woman may fear she is keeping her partner waiting when
he has an erection early in lovemaking, and she may
hurry on to vaginal intercourse before she is aroused.
An erection does not mean full arousal, and it is much
nicer to carry on caressing and kissing until she feels
more stimulated. She may also fear that she is not
aroused because she doesn't have such a clear signal
from her body. If she is lying on back, her genitals may
feel quite dry even though she is lubricating
well-because the secretion remains pooled in her vagina.
Some women feel inhibited about becoming sexually
aroused because they think it isn't feminine, or makes
them seem less attractive.
Both men and women may experience their sexual arousal
waxing and waning-for him
perhaps with a slight loss of erection. this is normal,
but may worry a sexually vulnerable person. Problems
with erections can beset a man of any age if he is
sexually anxious, angry, tired or drunk-or if he has
diabetes. If he can get an erection with masturbation or
in the early morning, on reading or seeing sexy books
then he has minor problem of sex centre abnormality or
hormones. Once a man has experienced a failure of
erection, he often develops 'performance anxiety',
anticipating failure again and again; and the more he
fears, the more likely he is to fail.
Normal sexual responses and common problems :
One must remember that for normal sex four essentials
requirements are :-
1. Healthy Mind - One must have full
knowledgeable of sex, no fear of performance or any
stress or hatred, no hurry, means should have relaxed
2. Healthy Environment - Full privacy with
enough time to do the act.
3. Healthy Body - No physical illness as
Hormone or nerve or sex centre disorder. Any drug,
toxin, alcohol & smoke etc.
4. Cooperative & Loving Partner
of any one of the above basic requirement for normal sex
will result in sexual failure.
interest, or libido, varies not only from person to
person but in the same individual too, according to
circumstances, and as-in women-the menstrual cycle. Our
sexual appetite (and responses) can be stimulated in a
congenial setting, for example on holiday, by the
novelty of a new relationship; and by things that make
us feel good about ourselves, such as new clothes,
success, slimming, another's approval. But it is
particularly susceptible to the emotional climate of our
sexual relationship, so that even a hint of anger or
resentment or anxiety can be enough to switch off sexual
desire-fortunately only temporarily, if we can resolve
the disturbance in the healthy climate!
Boredom, ill-health, tiredness and feelings of
depression and self-depreciation decreases sexual
appetite either. And people who think sex is disgusting
or wrong may be preoccupied with sex but rarely
experience sexual desire in a real relationship. it would
be too confusing for their value system. Average
frequency of intercourse for married couples is varies
from those who enjoy once per month to those who need it
once a day. Only you can decide what frequency seems
acceptable for both of you.
can become sexually aroused simply by thinking or having
fantasies about sex or, more commonly, by a combination
of fantasies and physical stimulation. Provided that we
are in the mood, want to respond, feel relaxed and
accepting of ourselves, our partner and our surroundings,
and most important- that we have appropriate
stimulation, sexual arousal will occur quite naturally.
Typical behavior that leads to sexual arousal can
include kissing, cuddling and caressing by partner or by
yourself (masturbation). Certain areas of our body are
more sensitive to touch such as lips, breasts, inner
thigh and genitals, and caressing of these areas is more
likely to lead to arousal. some people find oral sex
(kissing each other genitalia) to be very arousing -
other find it distasteful and a sexual turn-off. In
fact, each couple must work out for themselves what they
find stimulating and acceptable behaviors: what feels
good one day may feel uncomfortable the next day-be
prepared to experiment and be prepared to tell each
other what you like, and what you don't like. Don't
stick to preconceived notions they can be very wrong!
women the upper or inner part of the vagina balloons out
as arousal increases, so that only the lower third of
the vagina (5 cm.) remain in close contact with penis
during intercourse. It is also the only the part of the
vagina that can feel touch. This is an important fact
because many men worry that their penis may be too small
to satisfy a women. For women it does not matters
whether penile size 5 cm or more. Size has no relation
with enjoyment in women. So any penile size more then 5
cm long will satisfy the women. If he know the act of
love making. Similarly width of penis has nothing to do
with sexual enjoyment because vagina is like rubber bowl.
I will grip a finger width penis as well as thick penis
Orgasm or climax
women need stimulation of their clitoris (a knob
sensitive tissue in front of the vaginal opening) as
well as vaginal intercourse in order to reach a climax.
Common sexual problems
of us experience difficulty in achieving the sort of
sexual response we would like to have, some of the time
(known as random failure)-and some of us have
difficulties with our sexual responses most of the time.
The anxiety that is produced by one or other failing to
respond may be so intense that it disrupts their
lovemaking and perpetuates what might otherwise have
been a trivial passing difficulty. the three type of
common sex problems are (1) Impotence or erectile
dysfunction (2) Premature Ejaculation (early discharge)
(3) Decreased desire.
Poor erections (impotence)
There are difficulties in describing erection, but most
men know when they have a full erection, and complain of
partial, incomplete or absent erection which are
insufficient to enable intercourse to occur. Usually the
man can achieve an erection when alone or spontaneously
when he awake in morning, but find he cannot have one
with his partner when he chooses. This can occur due to
many minor abnormality.
self-Help Approach to sexual problems
order to tackle your own particular sexual difficulties
or hang-ups, it is important to deal with three
1. Why sexual problems arise
There are a whole range of reasons or background causes
which can lead to problems with responses, or to loss of
interest in sex. You may find that some of those
mentioned below are relevant to you, they need to be
dealt with if your sex life is to improve. Tackling the
cause of a sexual problem usually needs the co-operation
of wife/or partner, so if you can persuade your partner
to read this chapter too, you are much more likely to be
2. Sexual performance anxiety
maintains a sexual problem long after the original cause
may have disappeared. Both partners lose confidence in
their performance, and instead of relaxing they start to
watch their sexual responses like 'spectators', rather
than being involved in what is going on. And of course,
the more you watch for responses, the less you respond.
It does not means person by psychological problem
instead it is a normal fear everybody develops due to
failure. One should try to find out why he failed on
very first time.
Often our sexual inhibitions or angry feelings towards
our partner are only revealed when we try simply to
caress him or her and find that we feel a strong
revulsion or resistance to doing so. It is the
examination of that resistance that tells you what your
problems is all about-so don't under estimate the
importance of early stages I and II-that is when you
learn about yourselves, and (I hope) learn to
communicate with each other.
Cause of sexual problems
we allow ourselves to accept physical stimulation in a
relaxed and unhurried way, our bodies will respond
sexually without any conscious effort on our part. But
if your try to get erection remember more your will try
more it will become limp & lifeless.
There are certain background factors which tend to
interfere with our relaxation and acceptance of sexual
contact, and it is these factors that cause our failure
to respond. You may recognize some of them as being
present in your own experiences. If you are uneasy or
un-responding in your sexual relationship, they may be
significant for you. Before I list these general causes
of sexual problems, I should emphasize one complex but
highly important point. The same sexual problem can be
caused by a whole variety of different background
problems, and the same background problems (e.g. guilt)
can cause a whole variety of sexual problems (e.g.
problems with erection, orgasm, vaginistmus etc.). There
is no direct correlation between the sort of symptoms
and the background cause. So, whatever your particular
sexual problem may be, you must look at the list of
possible background causes to see which is most relevant
for you-and don't be too surprises if you find they are
all relevant !
Physical or medical problems. (as Hormone disorder,
decreased blood supply, sex centre abnormality, nerve
Ignorance or misunderstanding about sex.
Problems in your relationship.
feelings about yourself or your body. (Impaired self
image & self esteem)
Guilt feelings about yourself or your body.
Unsuitable circumstances (Inappropriate environment, sick
body as Tiredness, bored mood)
How to tackle the background causes
1) Physical and medical problems.
Although sexual problems are commonly caused by medical
complaints, if you experience pain, soreness or bleeding
with intercourse, or if you are young man having no
erections whatsoever, you should ask your family doctor
for a check-up to exclude organic causes or Hormone,
decreased blood supply etc.
Drugs for high blood pressure can sometimes upset your
sexual responses. Remember, too, that excess alcohol,
chronic tiredness, recent illness, and being generally
unfit may impair your sexual interest and responses, and
that restoring yourself to good physical health may be
all that it necessary for a return of your
Ignorance and misunderstanding about sex
we are unsure about what to do and what to expect from
sex, we become anxious and no longer obey our instincts
(which are to relax and enjoy what is happening during
sexual foreplay). We may worry unnecessarily about
whether sustained erection will occur or not pregnancy
or pain, or we may fear that if we let ourselves go we
will become undignified, animal-like or unattractive.
Some women fear that if they relax and become aroused to
orgasm they will be incontinent of urine (this never
happens). Some of these fears can only be resolved by
experience, but others can be relieved by sharing them
with your doctor.
There are some common misunderstandings about our sexual
responses that I would like to share with you
Erection - A man's penis can become erect at an young
age below 20 year just by thinking or touching the lady
but as age increases longer time is required to get
erect and need manual help of wife. Only erection does
not mean that he is necessarily aroused enough for
intercourse, and he may start penetration far too
soon-before his partner feels ready. she may become
anxious because she feels she is keeping him waiting and
respond with rushing ahead, pretending to be aroused. It
is much better to kiss and caress properly first
Arousal comes in waves - Both the man and the woman may
find that their arousal comes and goes, with increasing
and decreasing erection and vaginal responses. This is
quite normal. A decline does not mean something is
wrong, so try out avoid to developing 'performance
anxiety (Fear)'. Just have a rest for a moment: then
carry on creasing each other until you responses
(erection) return or if does not try next day..
Orgasm - Many women never have an orgasm, yet are
otherwise fully responsive sexually. In most early
sexual relationship orgasms for the women are
unusual-yet both partners may become extremely anxious
about this. Some women pretend to have orgasm to please
their partners. The more a man demands an orgasm from
his partner, the less likely he is to get one. She needs
to feel relaxed, trusting and free from pressure of
getting orgasm . Whereas 'performance anxiety' makes the
man come more quickly. It has the opposite effect on a
women. There is no need for her to experience an orgasm
every time. she will be more likely to have an orgasm if
she is caressed gently on her clitoris. She should show
her partner what feels nice.
Problems in your relationship
Differences of opinion are not a problem within marriage
if they can be aired, mulled over, negotiated and
settled. But if a couple cannot communicate comfortably
with each other, then differences of opinion remain
unresolved and soon grow into resentment which can
invade the most loving relationship, having dire
consequences on sexual expression and response.
Coping with sexual 'performance anxiety' and being a
is usually 'performance anxiety' & sex centre
abnormality that keeps a sexual problem going. The
original resentment or difficulty may be long past, but
the vicious circle of worrying about your responses
continues. You start to watch your performance as a
spectator, rather than being fully involved in it-and
the more you watch, the less you respond. In addition,
if one partner fails to respond, then the other partner
gets caught up in 'performance anxiety' too, and doubts
his or her abilities as a sexual partner. There is not
such thing as an uninvolved partner, so don't make one
of you the Patient and the other the Therapist-you are
both involved in the
Guidelines to reduce performance anxiety, help you to
start responding, and improve your lovemaking will be
told by doctor.
follows should be considered in conjunction with what I
have already said about communication, which is equally
important for improving sexual relationships.
There are two important goals:
- Correct misunderstanding about-sex and show
each other what you like.
- Learn ways to avoid the 'spectator' role and
allow yourself to relax and enjoy your natural sexual
responses. By setting limits to how far you go
physically for an agreed time, this allows you to
concentrate on and re-acquaint yourself with your body
sensations with no goal in mind (see thereby).
approach is primarily educational; you are not curing an
illness, but learning new and more satisfactory ways of
getting on with each other. Like any other learning
process, the responsibility for change lies with you. If
you are to make proper use of this advice, you will need
to make a special joint effort to follow all the
suggestions. You will need to set aside time to be
together-time to talk to each other without frequent
interruptions from children or whatever. Try to find a
regular half-hour (or longer) in the day that is
exclusively for you.
will also need to aim for at least three sessions a week
of physical contact-although, of course, the more
spontaneous and natural these occasions are, the better.
You will need privacy (a lock on the bedroom door is not
anti-social) and comfort. If sound-proofing is a
problem, put the radio on. Going to bed earlier is the
easiest way to find time for the sessions.
Don't expect miracles at first. You may even have to
force yourself to practice to begin with. This is not
surprising if you have been 'off' sex for quite a time;
you will need to unlearn all your old habits and
attitudes, wipe the slate clean, and allow your natural
feelings to re-emerge-that is, if you want them to.
start with I will be suggesting definite limits beyond
which you should not go in lovemaking session. Before
on you should be able to set yourselves limits when
making love-to be able to say 'stop' without fearing
that your partner
will feel upset, angry or rejected.
touching your partner for your own pleasure without
A formal agreement must
be made between you to ban all attempts at intercourse
or genital contact until you
feel comfortable with these early stages of the
should aim for two or three sessions a week; take it in
turn to start a session (don't leave it to the man).
Each session has two parts. If you touch him first,
touch him the way you want to (his job is to relax and
stop you doing things he doesn't like); then in the same
session, he touches you the way he likes (your job is to
relax and protect yourself from discomfort). Do it
separately; it slows everything down, and helps you to
learn to relax (once you have overcome your
Important points to remember.
your are doing the caressing-assert yourself. Touch your
partner where you want to touch (anywhere on the body
except the genital area and breasts) in a way that is
nice for you and as long as you wish. Experiment and
touch parts of the body you have not touched before,
using your hands, or mouth or any other part of your
you are being caressed-relax,. Protect yourself
(Politely) if you don't like what is being done to you
(the easiest way to do this is to move your partner's
hand elsewhere, or say stop & tell him the way you like
to be touched there'). You will need to recognize if and
when you are 'spectatoring'-which means watching your
body being touched rather than participating fully by
feeling the sensations that you are experiencing. Don't
worry if this happens at first, you must learn to
realize when you are doing it and learn ways to get out
of it. There two things to do-(a) Concentrate on
relaxing your whole body and concentrate in addition on
the sensations produced by your partner. (b) stop
caressing for a short time until you feel sufficiently
relaxed and ready to start again.
is nice to touched and feel close to your partner.
for three sessions a week taking it in turns to initiate
the sessions with the initiator caressing first. You may
have to push yourself into starting a session, feeling
little motivation to drive to begin. This is a common
experience, partly because of the artificiality of the
situation, partly because people feel a little
embarrassment and awkward at first (perhaps because of
longstanding resistance to body contact from previous
experience that have gone wrong). It is important to see
this stage as a stepping stone towards a spontaneous
people find this stage pleasantly relaxing, others find
it arousing. It doesn't matter which, but it is
important for you to recognize what you are feeling. If,
after the session.
Neither the female nor the male partner should worry
unduly if she is not orgasmic during sex. The male
should not divert his energies and concentrate entirely
on producing an orgasm in her. If, however, the orgasm
does not occur with repeated frequency or she has never
had an orgasm and it bothers her, the pair should try
and find out the cause (1) Is the male adequate? (2)
Does he provide her the right sexual stimulus? (3) Does
she have any childhood hang-ups that sex is dirty? It is
advisable to take help from the qualified sex
Why the penis lets us down at odd times
order to understand the erective failure better let us
compare the penis with our index finger, which is always
obedient, under our command and very ready to do what it
is told. Let us imagine a verbal duel between the penis
(P) and the index finger (I.F.).
The index finger and the penis had a quarrel
: There is method in my erecting process. My master
believed I should get erect at his command and sweet
will. he sees a sizzling lady and 'thinks' he is aroused
and curses me if I do not become erect when he wants to
sleep with her.
Isn't he justified if you don't perform when he wants
: I am not any electrically operated robot that
responds to commands with push-button frequency. he
thinks he has only to press a button and I will become
erect. Nature never intended that I should function this
: I thought penises were fool-proof, beat-the-clock
battering-rams, ever ready to get erect at a moment's
P: My dear chap, such penises only exist in the
Fantasyland of sex portrayed by the media. In reality,
things are entirely different.
: I get you, Sir. Incidentally, why don't you tell
your master that the sexual machinery may occasionally
fail like any other machine?
P: Tell him? never! Do you remember the other day
when he had too much drink and attempted sex-and it was
a dismal failure?
My dear friend, I immediately came to your rescue and
produced a manual orgasm by clitoral stimulation.
P.: My master brought the roof down. He cursed and
abused me. He believed that it was the end of the world.
there is no tomorrow in his life.
: Why did you refuse to get erect the next day?
: He was gripped by fear and panic. The whole day at
the office he kept saying to himself. 'I must get an
erection tonight.' But I never respond to order like 'I
must' and 'I will'.
: Then how do you become erect at odd times during the
day or during sleep at night, when no sex is required ?
: Oh. you mean morning erections ? But I think my
erection is due to his last dream when he was totally
: I can't understand your logic. You get erect during
sleep but not when your master is awake and burning with
desire. Surely you were never meant to be merely a
showpiece but also a performer?
: I function naturally and normally all my life, if
left to myself and if my master does not short-circuit
his wiring of order me about.
: Why are there different controls for you and me when
we belong to the same person?
: We have different commander-in-chief. Your boss is
the cerebral cortex while mine is the hypothalamus. Your
brain is the 'thinking' brain, mine is the 'feeling'
brain, the seat of emotions.
: I get you! only function when the man 'thinks' and
asks me to do something. You never function if your
owner thinks and consciously wills an erection. He has
to 'feel' the desires your erection will come
: Right! My master may 'think' he is aroused and yet
not messages reach me to get hard.
: You mean the messages are short-circuited?
: Yes, Often my master attempts sex when he is bored,
or tired and tense. he does not really feel aroused and
I do not react to half-hearted messages. I am a