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Home > Knowledge Base > Basic Knowledge-2

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Topic Name: Basic Knowledge (Part I) of Sex
Writer: Dr. Amrit Rao (AIIMS, India)

basic Knowledge-II

...Continued from Page I

29)       Fear of venereal diseases : This often haunts many males even after marriage. Every time they go to bed they think might catch the dreaded infection and be impotent forever. They are told that if they attempt intercourse with women, they are like to get venereal disease, which will ruin their life. This subconscious fear of venereal disease is known to affect potency, even though the man knows that the wife is a virgin and free from the V.D.


30)       First Night/time Impotency : Young men who have not has premartial sex find it difficult to penetrate the vagina unless the women actively cooperates and helps at the begining of intercourse. Many men suffer from the primitive fear of the women's body and her vagina. Young boys are often told by their elder brothers, 'If  you enter a vagina, go there with a lantern, lest you be lost.' These fantasies persist in life and produce tremendous fear of the woman's body, which may finally lead to impotency.


There is also the fear of hurting the loved one, which results in diminished potency. If the female partner is not psychologically and sexually prepared for what is in store for her, she grows very tense and rigid, thus making penetration by the male difficult or well impossible. The male partner mistakenly believes this inability to penetrate to be failure on his part, which in turn might result in impotency.


If female does not cooperate, one has less time, is very tired, inappropriate environment & lack of privacy, has taken some alcohol can lead to impotency.


Last but not the least, if a couple wants to practice premature withdrawal before discharge of the semen, the preoccupation can often result impotency in the male, more so in premarital or extra-marital sexual intercourse. Similarly a infertile couple impotency result because they are bold to sex on particular day and they are always preoccupied for child.


31)       Dominating females : Many women do not realize that they completely dominate their husbands. The equality of sexes and sexual freedom is leading to increased female domination and assertiveness. Society is becoming increasingly matriarchal. Is it surprising them to find that the poor paper tiger finds difficulty in tackling the tigress?


Of course, women do not do it consciously, and express great surprise in the consulting rooms when their dominating characteristics are pointed out to them. A charming, smartly turned out lady once complained about her husband's impotence. She was very meticulous and dominated all his activities. The husband was a nice, reticent man, who casually mentioned that his wife ran his life to the minutest detail. If both men and women decide to give some thought to what constitutes masculine and feminine roles, potency in men will invariably assert itself. We must here point out that most women are conscious of their dominating traits, but, once things have been explained to them, they are convinced and invariably try their best to change. A lady   patient of mine once very rightly said, 'The female can have full gratification only if the male is on top of the woman-in every sense of work.'


32)       Hostility and resentment : Though this cause operates few years after marriage, in some cases the subconscious hostility and resentment towards the wife can lead to impotency. Not liking wife due to her family background/or educational  or financial superiority & nature disliking her or her premarital relations can cause it.


33)       Failure from weakness of desire : If the sexual urge is repressed in childhood, the child grows up showing lack of interest in women. In later life, this lack of  interest makes him avoid women. Women are not his preserve; they are meant for other lucky males. He represses his urge, until ultimately sexual desire and night emissions stop and impotent sets in.


34)       Diversion of energy : Many moralists and religious leaders have advocated self-control, abstinence and suppression of sex, so that the Soul may reach higher level and ultimately become one with the Creator, Conversion of sexual other energy into energy, not only results in impotency but also leads to nervous disturbances.


35)       Situational Impotency : is a condition, where the male is potent with one female but with another his potency diminishes at times. It occurs due to disorder of sex centers.


Failure with one women but not with another : It so happened that on the wedding night, when the tense, sensitive boy could not perform because he was self-conscious about getting a proper erection, his wife ridiculed him about his inability. this set up a tremendous inferiority complex in him, with the result he was never successful with her. Two years later, after his  divorce, he remarried a childhood friend of his. this girl had tremendous understanding of her man, with result that he was able to function normally with her and in short time she became a pregnant. There are also cases where the husband is impotent with the mistress and yet has normal sexual relationship with his wife. In the later case, where the man is impotent with his mistress, the cause may be guilt or fear that they may be find out. Conversely, the impotence with his wife can be due to to getting tired of the same women. Man is basically a polygamous and quite often likes to pay attention to other women without any dishonorable intentions.


Impotency with Loved Female : Freud described the type of characteristics impotency where a man loves his wife and yet is unable to have intercourse with her, yet is perfectly normal with other females. Freud said :'When such men love, they have no desire, and when they desire, they cannot love,' According to him, during the emotional development of a boy, the affection and love that he has for his mother  is much older than the sensual sex feelings which arise at puberty. In an emotionally mature male, the older feelings of affection and love are detached from the mother and fused with the newer, sensual feelings of affection, and both of them in turn get attached to the loved one-the girlfriend or wife. If, on the other hand, the newer sensual feeling in a boy got attached to the old affection for the mother, impotency results. We had a patient, aged 27, married for four months, whose wife stated that their marriage was not consummated and that the husband complained of severe headache and always postponed intercourse. before marriage the husband was a Casanova and was proud of his sexual conquests. Before marriage our sensual athlete was very attached to his mother, but when he moved out of the house to live with his wife, she became a mother substitute. He had strong guilt feelings whenever he attempted to make love to her, which ultimately made him impotent.


36)       Sex Centre disorder induced Impotence is the commonest form of impotence in the Stress Century. Its peculiar characteristic is that the male does not have an erection during intercourse with his female partner but has very strong 'morning erections' or has erection during masturbation or during watching a sexy movie, reading erotic books or a sexual dream. If the individual did not have unconscious sex anxiety and inhibitions, he would function normally. If a person has morning erection but does not have erection during intercourse, he can be sure that his impotence can be cured in most cases with drug & sex therapy.


The one theory postulates that sexual dysfunction arises from a sexually destructive environment created by the partners. For example, a female partner may pass derisive remarks about the male's sexual performance, laying the foundation for sex centre impotence.


The first time anxiety of sex, fear of failure and spectatoring (the patient watching all the time to see if he is getting an erection or not) were the immediate factors responsible for sexual dysfunction. If these factors are removed by sex therapy, sexual functioning soon become normal. The new, intensive team treatment (both partners are simultaneously treated) of sexual dysfunction which revolutionary sex therapy. 'In many cases, the sexual dysfunction have their roots in the more immediate and simpler problems, which were ignored until recently, such as the anticipation of failure or rejection and humiliation by the partner,' However, in some cases merely removing the immediate causes is not enough and detailed is necessary to tackle the remote cause.


The causes of sex centre induced impotence can be conveniently divided into two groups : (1) immediate cause, and (2) remote cause. such a classification is helpful in the treatment of impotence. If the impotence is due to immediate causes, a removal of these factors results in adequate sexual functioning. In impotence due to remote causes, detailed sex therapy may be necessary for a more lasting cure.


37)       Restrictive upbringing : A child's experience of his or her family attitudes towards sexuality and personal relationships is likely to have a profound effect on later psychosexual development. Thus, in many families, sex is never discussed and because it is a taboo subject becomes, regarded by a child as something which must in some way be wrong or shameful. In other families, parents may openly express their negative attitudes towards sexuality. A boy may be encouraged to regard women who enjoy sex as disreputable, so that he may develop a double standard towards women-the notion of the 'good' woman who is not sexual, or at least keeps her sexuality under a tight cover and who will make a suitable marital partner, and the 'bad' women who actively enjoys sex  he seeks out such women for sexual experience, but who should be avoided at all costs when it comes to finding a permanent mate.


A double standard towards female sexuality may lead a boy to seek out a non-responsive partner, or he may experience revulsion when he discovers that his partner's level of sexual desire is equivalent to his own. He is also likely to treat disparagingly partners who are sexually responsive.


 If the relationship between parents is characterized by friction and lack of affection, especially physical affection, a child is presented with a poor initial model for men/women relationships. Similarly, if the relationship between the child and either parent is lacking warmth and affection, then difficulties in establishing intimate relationships in adulthood may be encountered. One would predict  that the  relationship with the opposite-sex parent would be most important in this regard.


Nettlbladt and Uddenberg (1979) found that when compared with men with good sexual adjustments, those with sexual dysfunction more often described their father negatively, and reported contact with them during childhood and adolescence as being poor and relatively infrequent. They also more often reported infrequent and poor contact with their mothers during adolescence (but not during childhood), and tended to characters their mother as dominating. Those persons who are very-very attached to mother they sometime start visualizing mother in his wife leading sometime to impotency or sometime they do not sexually become arousal with wife fearing loss of love by mother for him.


All of us learn about sex during infancy and childhood. If the mother considers sex dirty, the boy grows up believing that it is dirty. at the critical moment when he initiates intercourse, a voice whispers in his ear, 'Sex is dirty. Remember what your mother taught you.' He does not get a hard-on or the erection is lost as there is a conflict between the conscious desire to enjoy sex and the sub-conscious fear or guilt of doing so. Thus an emotional conflict is responsible for the impotence. His belief that his naughty father is 'harming' or injuring' his darling mother during the sex act when ever he sees / or think them during sex, are often responsible for sexual dysfunction in adult life.


Freud was the first to point out that sexual conflict in childhood was the important cause of adult sexual dysfunction. The unconscious is also the store house or godown of old junk-discarded, unpleasant sexual memories which are not wiped off but preserved and waiting to pop out into the conscious whenever he attempts sex.


Why does the conflict arise ? Even little children, according to him, are dominated by sexual desire and fantasies. However, they suppress them for fear of incurring the wrath of their parents. The little chaps like to play with his penis but mainly the mother and also the father prevent him from doing so. 'Don't touch there, ' scolds his mama. The little boy is now torn between the desire to enjoy the erotic feeling of touching himself and fear of his mother's anger and loss of love. Mummy must be right, ' he thinks. 'It is bad to enjoy myself by playing with myself.' So he suppresses his erotic desires and shuts them off in the unconscious where they lie buried but surface into consciousness when he attempts sex as an adult : 'Mama said sex is dirty, Don't do it, ' The inevitable result of the conflict is impotence.


Sexual conflict can also result from fear of retaliation by God or society. 'I am a sinner. God will punish me'


Oedipus Complex : A little boy is always attached to his mother and thinks the father is his rival, monopolizing his mother. Similarly, a little girl is attached to her father and imagines that the mother is her rival. In other words, the child always chooses the parent of the opposite sex as the object of his or her eroticism.


The boy at this stage feels an intense urge and longing for his mother and loves her while he hates his father. The impossible romance with his own mother leads to a conflict with his father, a guilt about his secret love for his mother to which is added an element of anxiety. Freud terms it 'castration anxiety. : the fear  that his jealous father will castrate him (cut off his penis) if he finds out about his love. As he cannot fulfill his wish and is scared of his father, he represses his love for his mother. But soon child matures & he start loving other girls. But if he is not able to come out of this fear whenever he makes love to females he starts fearing leading to impotence.


Sexual Conflict in Childhood : Sexually is an extremely pleasurable and powerful drive in a growing child, but its expression is denied in our sexually-constraining society. Sexuality is taboo. Sex is dirty. Sex is sinful society tells child.


The incessant desire to express his sexuality and its constant denial produces a conflict in the child. He grows up with a feeling of guilt and fear which can damage his sexual functioning. For example, every time the youngster wants to touch his genitals or wants to make love to his mother while the father is away, he is extremely worried for scolding from father.



38)       Impotence following vasectomy / or surgery


However, an increasing number of males have reported erectile problems following sterilization/ 'Doctor I was functioning fine until I was sterilized. I noticed that within two months after the operation. I lost my manliness, 'said Vijay Kumar , lamenting. I wish I had not succumbed to the surgery.' It is therefore imperative that the person having vasectomy understands its implications. He should be told that sterility and virility are two different things.  A man can be sterilized so that the ejaculate does not contain sperms and yet be virile and perfectly capable of normal intercourse. Secondly, the operation does not affect his sexual pattern in any way. However, some patients feel that the surgery has castrated them and their own anxiety leads to a waning erection. It is their self-effects. Erection is dependent upon the male hormone testosterone which is released directly into the blood stream. Secondly, the testes contribute a very small portion of the liquid ejaculated, so the quantity of the ejaculate will not decrease appreciably.


Boy's fear


Boys assume that they are expected to take the sexual initiative, and must anxiously decide whether or not to 'go further'-a lonely decision, not helped by some girls-friends who confusingly say 'no' when they really mean 'yes'. he may be unsure what 'further' really means, yet dare not ask. Once he has embarked on full intercourse, a sexually inexperienced young man's fear usually center around his ability to establish and maintain an exercise, and how long he can hold on before he ejaculates. Anxiety is likely to confirm his fears. If his erection has failed in the past (perhaps because of lack of knowledge) he will be even more on edge. Premature ejaculation may result in young men, and this can be extremely embracing for them-particularly in a new relationship when they are wanting to impress. Much of the sexual boasting of the young men hides the reality of unsatisfactory sexual exploits. For some, these early experiences can put them off relationships for many years, before their personal confidence is sufficient to cope with the threat of further sexual failure and the consequent humiliation.


Girl's Fears


            Many girls begin with unanswered questions about being touched, will my breasts and genitalia be acceptable to my partner? (Most girls have never seen another's genitalia.) What behavior will risk pregnancy. Will whatever I have been doing in past show on my face or breasts or genitalia (masturbation, petting, intercourse)? What about VD, herpes. Will having sex with him make him like me more or less?


            And the most private worries of all-which, like all adolescent tasks, continue throughout our life-are worries about our sexual performance. When inexperienced, a girl may not realize that increased vaginal lubrication is part of sexual arousal. She may feel embraced by it-or, once she realizes its significance, by the lack of it. She may be aware of the word orgasm, but may never have experienced one, and may be pressurized by her partner into pretending to reach a climax-which, of course, is the  most likely way to ensure she will not! Most teenage girls do no experience regular climax in lovemaking or petting, for a variety of reasons. They rarely feel totally relaxed in the relationship, which may be transient or uncommitted; they may fear pregnancy; their partner may have little technique (he will not know how to caress her genitalia and she dare not tell him!) and the setting for lovemaking may be hurried, furtive and uncomfortable with little opportunity for privacy and relaxation. She may also fear penetration, if she has had little sexual experience, and develop vaginistmus or spasms of the lower part of vagina, which prevents consummation of relationship.


Sexual ignorance and misunderstanding


Most of us lack confidence in our sexual behavior, and wonder if we are pleasing our partner or doing it properly! But we fear asking in case we make fools of ourselves, and even more we fear criticizing our partner's technique. There is a tremendous taboo on any talk about sex in marriage-yet good sexual communication can transform a physical relationship. You don't need to use words-just put your hand over your partner's and show him or her how you like being touched, particularly in more delicate area such as genitalia; then ask you partner to show how he or she like to be touched. Being able to express yourself in this way (and protect yourself if you don't like what's being done to you) really enhances lovemaking. You are not dictating to your partner, merely communicating what you like and don't like; it's up to him or her to decide when to do it or not.


            Let's look at some of the common misunderstandings about sexual behaviors which can also be cleared up with good communication.


1)       Remember Male or Female any one can initiate sex if don't want politely say no because going in sex act without desire often result in unsatisfactory sex..


2)       Foreplay. In a new relationship, people kiss, caress and fondle each other before attempting intercourse, and enjoy penetration more as a result being more highly aroused. But, once sex becomes an established ritual, some couples abandon much kissing and foreplay and concentrate on genital sex. this is unfortunate and usually reduces sexual pleasure. Caressing does not have to lead to intercourse once you are married-Genital caressing is usually necessary if a woman wants to reach orgasm.




Sexual arousal


During sexual arousal several snags may be encountered. A woman may fear she is keeping her partner waiting when he has an erection early in lovemaking, and she may hurry on to vaginal intercourse before she is aroused. An erection does not mean full arousal, and it is much nicer to carry on caressing and kissing until she feels more stimulated. She may also fear that she is not  aroused because she doesn't have such a clear signal from her body. If she is lying on back, her genitals may feel quite dry even though she is lubricating well-because the secretion remains pooled in her vagina. Some women feel inhibited about becoming sexually aroused because they think it isn't feminine, or makes them seem less attractive.


Both men and women may experience their sexual arousal waxing and waning-for him perhaps with a slight loss of erection. this is normal, but may worry a sexually vulnerable person. Problems with erections can beset a man of any age if he is sexually anxious, angry, tired or drunk-or if he has diabetes. If he can get an erection with masturbation or in the early morning, on reading or seeing sexy books then he has minor problem of sex centre abnormality or hormones. Once a man has experienced a failure of erection, he often develops 'performance anxiety', anticipating failure again and again; and the more he fears, the more likely he is to fail.


Normal sexual responses and common problems : One must remember that for normal sex four essentials requirements are  :-


1.       Healthy  Mind - One must have full knowledgeable of sex, no fear of performance or any stress or hatred, no hurry, means should have relaxed mood.


2.       Healthy  Environment - Full privacy with enough time to do the act.


3.       Healthy  Body - No physical illness as Hormone or nerve or sex centre disorder. Any drug, toxin, alcohol & smoke etc.


4.       Cooperative & Loving Partner


Lack of any one of the above basic requirement for normal sex will result in sexual failure.


Sexual desire


Our interest, or libido, varies not only from person to person but in the same individual too, according to circumstances, and as-in women-the menstrual cycle. Our sexual appetite (and responses) can be stimulated in a congenial setting, for example on holiday, by the novelty of a new relationship; and by things that make us feel good about ourselves, such as new clothes, success, slimming, another's approval. But it is particularly susceptible to the emotional climate of our sexual relationship, so that even a hint of anger or resentment or anxiety can be enough to switch off sexual desire-fortunately only temporarily, if we can resolve the disturbance in the healthy climate!


Boredom, ill-health, tiredness and feelings of depression and self-depreciation  decreases sexual appetite either. And people who think sex is disgusting or wrong may be preoccupied  with sex but rarely experience sexual desire in a real relationship. it would be too confusing for their value system. Average frequency of intercourse for married couples is varies from those who enjoy once per month to those who need it once a day. Only you can decide what frequency seems acceptable for both of you.


Sexual arousal


We can become sexually aroused simply by thinking or having fantasies about sex or, more commonly, by a combination of fantasies and physical stimulation. Provided that we are in the mood, want to respond, feel relaxed and accepting of ourselves, our partner and our surroundings, and most important- that we have appropriate stimulation, sexual arousal will occur quite naturally.


Typical behavior that leads to sexual arousal can include kissing, cuddling and caressing by partner or by yourself (masturbation). Certain areas of our body are more sensitive to touch such as lips, breasts, inner thigh and genitals, and caressing of these areas is more likely to lead to arousal. some people find oral sex (kissing each other genitalia) to be very arousing - other find it distasteful and a sexual turn-off. In fact, each couple must work out for themselves what they find stimulating and acceptable behaviors: what feels good one day may feel uncomfortable the next day-be prepared to experiment and be prepared to tell each other what you like, and what you don't like. Don't stick to preconceived notions they can be very wrong!


In women the upper or inner part of the vagina balloons out as arousal increases, so that only the lower third of the vagina (5 cm.) remain in close contact with penis during intercourse. It is also the only the part of the vagina that can feel touch. This is an important fact because many men worry that their penis may be too small to satisfy a women. For women it does not matters whether penile size 5 cm or more. Size has no relation with enjoyment in women. So any penile size more then 5 cm long will satisfy the women. If he know the act of love making. Similarly width of penis has nothing to do with sexual enjoyment because vagina is like rubber bowl. I will grip a finger width penis as well as thick penis equally tightly.


Orgasm or climax

Most women need stimulation of their clitoris (a knob sensitive tissue in front of the vaginal opening) as well as vaginal intercourse in order to reach  a climax.


Common sexual problems

Most of us experience difficulty in achieving the sort of sexual response we would like to have, some of the time (known as random failure)-and some of us have difficulties with our sexual responses most of the time. The anxiety that is produced by one or other failing to respond may be so intense that it disrupts their lovemaking and perpetuates what might otherwise have been a trivial passing difficulty. the three type of common sex problems are (1) Impotence or erectile dysfunction (2) Premature Ejaculation (early discharge) (3) Decreased desire.


Poor erections (impotence)


There are difficulties in describing erection, but most men know when they have a full erection, and complain of partial, incomplete or absent erection which are insufficient to enable intercourse to occur. Usually the man can achieve an erection when alone or spontaneously when he awake in morning, but find he cannot have one with his partner when he chooses. This can occur due to many minor abnormality.


A self-Help Approach to sexual problems


In order to tackle your own particular sexual difficulties or hang-ups, it is important to deal with three important areas.


1.         Why sexual problems arise


There are a whole range of reasons or background causes which can lead to problems with responses, or to loss of interest in sex. You may find that some of those mentioned below are relevant to you, they need to be dealt with if your sex life is to improve. Tackling the cause of a sexual problem usually needs the co-operation of wife/or partner, so if you can persuade your partner to read this chapter too, you are much more likely to be benefited.


2.         Sexual performance anxiety


This maintains a sexual problem long after the original cause may have disappeared. Both partners lose confidence in their performance, and instead of relaxing they start to watch their sexual responses like 'spectators', rather than being involved in what is going on. And of course, the more you watch for responses, the less you respond. It does not means person by psychological problem instead it is a normal fear everybody develops due to failure. One should try to find out why he failed on very first time.


Often our sexual inhibitions or angry feelings towards our partner are only revealed when we try simply to caress him or her and find that we feel a strong revulsion or resistance to doing so. It is the examination of that resistance that tells you what your problems is all about-so don't under estimate the importance of early stages I and II-that is when you learn about yourselves, and (I hope) learn to communicate with each other.


Cause of sexual problems


If we allow ourselves to accept physical stimulation in a relaxed and unhurried way, our bodies will respond sexually without any conscious effort on our part. But if your try to get erection remember more your will try more it will become limp & lifeless.


There are certain background factors which tend to interfere with our relaxation and acceptance of sexual contact, and it is these factors that cause our failure to respond. You may recognize some of them as being present in your own experiences. If you are uneasy or un-responding in your sexual relationship, they may be significant for you. Before I list these general causes of sexual problems, I should emphasize one complex but highly important point. The same sexual problem can be caused by a whole variety of different background problems, and the same background problems (e.g. guilt) can cause a whole variety of sexual problems (e.g.  problems with erection, orgasm, vaginistmus etc.). There is no direct correlation between the sort of symptoms and the background cause. So, whatever your particular sexual problem may be, you must look at the list of possible background causes to see which is most relevant for you-and don't be too surprises if you find they are all relevant !

Physical or medical problems. (as Hormone disorder, decreased blood supply, sex centre abnormality, nerve abnormality etc.)

Ignorance or misunderstanding about sex.

Problems in your relationship.

Bad feelings about yourself or your body. (Impaired self image & self esteem)

Guilt feelings about yourself or your body.

Unsuitable circumstances (Inappropriate environment, sick body  as Tiredness, bored mood)


How to tackle the background causes

1)         Physical and medical problems.

Although sexual problems are commonly caused by medical complaints, if you experience pain, soreness or bleeding with intercourse, or if you are young man having no erections whatsoever, you should ask your family doctor for a check-up to exclude organic causes or Hormone, decreased blood supply etc.


Drugs for high blood pressure can sometimes upset your sexual responses. Remember, too, that excess alcohol, chronic tiredness, recent illness, and being generally unfit may impair your sexual interest and responses, and that restoring yourself to good physical health may be all that it necessary for a return of your responsiveness.


Ignorance and misunderstanding about sex


If we are unsure about what to do and what to expect from sex, we become anxious and no longer obey our instincts (which are to relax and enjoy what is happening during sexual foreplay). We may worry unnecessarily about whether sustained erection will occur or not pregnancy or pain, or we may fear that if we let ourselves go we will become undignified, animal-like or unattractive. Some women fear that if they relax and become aroused to orgasm they will be incontinent of urine (this never happens). Some of these fears can only be resolved by experience, but others can be relieved by sharing them with your doctor.


There are some common misunderstandings about our sexual responses that I would like to share with you


Erection - A man's penis can become erect at an young age below 20 year just by thinking or touching the lady but as age increases longer time is required to get erect and need manual help of wife. Only erection does not mean that he is necessarily aroused enough for intercourse, and he may start penetration far too soon-before his partner feels ready. she may become anxious because she feels she is keeping him waiting and respond with rushing ahead, pretending to be aroused. It is much better to kiss and caress properly first (foreplay).


Arousal comes in waves - Both the man and the woman may find that their arousal comes and goes, with increasing and decreasing erection and vaginal responses. This is quite normal. A decline does not mean something is wrong, so try out avoid to developing 'performance anxiety (Fear)'. Just have a rest for a moment: then carry on creasing each other until you responses (erection) return or if does not try next day..


Orgasm - Many women never have an orgasm, yet are otherwise fully responsive sexually. In most early sexual relationship orgasms for the women are unusual-yet both partners may become extremely anxious about this. Some women pretend to have orgasm to please their partners. The more a man demands an orgasm from his partner, the less likely he is to get one. She needs to feel relaxed, trusting and free from pressure of getting orgasm . Whereas 'performance anxiety' makes the man come more quickly. It has the opposite effect on a women. There is no need for her to experience an orgasm every time. she will be more likely to have an orgasm if she is caressed gently on her clitoris. She should show her partner what feels nice.


Problems in your relationship


Differences of opinion are not a problem within marriage if they can be aired, mulled over, negotiated and settled. But if a couple cannot communicate comfortably with each other, then differences of opinion remain unresolved and soon grow into resentment which can invade the most loving relationship, having dire consequences on sexual expression and response.


Coping with sexual 'performance anxiety' and being a spectator


It is usually  'performance anxiety' & sex centre abnormality that keeps a sexual problem going. The original resentment or difficulty may be long past, but the vicious circle of worrying about your responses continues. You start to watch your performance as a spectator, rather than being fully involved in it-and the more you watch, the less you respond. In addition, if one partner fails to respond, then the other partner gets caught up in 'performance anxiety' too, and doubts his or her abilities as a sexual partner. There is not such thing as an uninvolved partner, so don't make one of you the Patient and the other the Therapist-you are both involved in the problem


Guidelines to reduce performance anxiety, help you to start responding, and improve your lovemaking will be told by doctor.


What follows should be considered in conjunction with what I have already said about communication, which is equally important for improving sexual relationships.


There are two important goals:

-           Correct misunderstanding about-sex and show each other what you like.

-           Learn ways to avoid the 'spectator' role and allow yourself to relax and enjoy your natural sexual responses. By setting limits to how far you go physically for an agreed time, this allows you to concentrate on and re-acquaint yourself  with your body sensations with no goal in mind (see thereby).


This approach is primarily educational; you are not curing an illness, but learning new and more satisfactory ways of getting on with each other. Like any other learning process, the responsibility for change lies with you. If you are to make proper use of this advice, you will need to make a special joint effort to follow all the suggestions. You will need to set aside time to be together-time to talk to each other without frequent interruptions from children or whatever. Try to find a regular half-hour (or longer) in the day that is exclusively for you.


You will also need to aim for at least three sessions a week of physical contact-although, of course, the more spontaneous and natural these occasions are, the better. You will need privacy (a lock on the bedroom door is not anti-social) and comfort. If sound-proofing is a problem, put the radio on. Going to bed earlier is the easiest way to find time for the sessions.


Don't  expect miracles at first. You may even have to force yourself to practice to begin with. This is not surprising if you have been 'off' sex for quite a time; you will need to unlearn all your old habits and attitudes, wipe the slate clean, and allow your natural feelings to re-emerge-that is, if you want them to.


To start with I will be suggesting definite limits beyond which you should not go in lovemaking session. Before on you should be able to set yourselves limits when making love-to be able to say 'stop' without fearing that your partner will feel upset, angry or rejected.


Stage I : touching your partner for your own pleasure without genital contact. 

A formal agreement must be made between you to ban all attempts at intercourse or genital contact until you feel comfortable with these early stages of the program.


You should aim for two or three sessions a week; take it in turn to start a session (don't leave it to the man). Each session has two parts. If you touch him first, touch him the way you want to (his job is to relax and stop you doing things he doesn't like); then in the same session, he touches you the way he likes (your job is to relax and protect yourself from discomfort). Do it separately; it slows everything down, and helps you to learn to relax (once you have overcome your embarrassment, that is).


Important points to remember.

If your are doing the caressing-assert yourself. Touch your partner where you want to touch (anywhere on the body except the genital area and breasts) in a way that is nice for you and as long as you wish. Experiment and touch parts of the body you have not touched before, using your hands, or mouth or any other part of your body.


If you are being caressed-relax,. Protect yourself (Politely) if you don't like what is being done to you (the easiest way to do this is to move your partner's hand elsewhere, or say stop & tell him the way you like to be touched there'). You will need to recognize if and when you are 'spectatoring'-which means watching your body being touched rather than participating fully by feeling the sensations that you are experiencing. Don't worry if this happens at first, you must learn to realize when you are doing it and learn ways to get out of it. There two things to do-(a) Concentrate on relaxing your whole body and concentrate in addition on the sensations produced by your partner. (b) stop caressing for a short time until you feel sufficiently relaxed and ready to start again.


It is nice to touched and feel close to your partner.


Aim for three sessions a week taking it in turns to initiate the sessions with the initiator caressing first. You may have to push yourself into starting a session, feeling little motivation to drive to begin. This is a common experience, partly because of the artificiality of the situation, partly because people feel a little embarrassment and awkward at first (perhaps because of longstanding resistance to body contact from previous experience that have gone wrong). It is important to see this stage as a stepping stone towards a spontaneous sexual relationship.


Some people find this stage pleasantly relaxing, others find it arousing. It doesn't matter which, but it is important for you to recognize what you are feeling. If, after the session.


Neither the female nor the male partner should worry unduly if she is not orgasmic during sex. The male should not divert his energies and concentrate entirely on producing an orgasm in her. If, however, the orgasm does not occur with repeated frequency or she has never had an orgasm and it bothers her, the pair should try and find out the cause (1) Is the male adequate? (2) Does he provide her the right sexual stimulus? (3) Does she have any childhood hang-ups that sex is dirty? It is advisable to take help from the qualified sex specialist.


Why the penis lets us down at odd times


In order to understand the erective failure better let us compare the penis with our index finger, which is always obedient, under our command and very ready to do what it is told. Let us imagine a verbal duel between the penis (P) and the index finger (I.F.).


The index finger and the penis had a quarrel


P :    There is method in my erecting process. My master believed I should get erect at his command and sweet will. he sees a sizzling lady and 'thinks' he is aroused and curses me if I do not become erect when he wants to sleep with her.

I.F.     Isn't he justified if you don't perform when he wants you to?

P :    I am not any electrically operated robot that responds to commands with push-button frequency. he thinks he has only to press a button and I will become erect. Nature never intended that I should function this way.

I.F :   I thought penises were fool-proof, beat-the-clock battering-rams, ever ready to get erect at a moment's notice.

P:      My dear chap, such penises only exist in the Fantasyland of sex portrayed by the media. In reality, things are entirely different.

I.F. :   I get you, Sir. Incidentally, why don't you tell your master that the sexual machinery may occasionally fail like any other machine?

P:      Tell him? never! Do you remember the other day when he had too much drink and attempted sex-and it was a dismal failure?

I.F.     My dear friend, I immediately came to your rescue and produced a manual orgasm by clitoral stimulation.

P.:     My master brought the roof down. He cursed and abused me. He believed that it was the end of the world. there is no tomorrow in his life.

I.F. :   Why did you refuse to get erect the next day?

P. :    He was gripped by fear and panic. The whole day at the office he kept saying to himself. 'I must get an erection tonight.' But I never respond to order like 'I must' and 'I will'.

I.F. :  Then how do you become erect at odd times during the day or during sleep at night, when no sex is required ?

P. :    Oh. you mean morning erections ? But I think my erection is due to his last dream when he was totally relaxed.

I.F. :  I can't understand your logic. You get erect during sleep but not when your master is awake and burning with desire. Surely you were never meant to be merely a showpiece but also a performer?

P. :    I function naturally and normally all my life, if left to myself and if my master does not short-circuit his wiring of order me about.

I.F. :   Why are there different controls for you and me when we belong to the same person?

P. :    We have different commander-in-chief. Your boss is the cerebral cortex while mine is the hypothalamus. Your brain is the 'thinking' brain, mine is the 'feeling' brain, the seat of emotions.

I.F. :  I get you! only function when the man 'thinks' and asks me to do something. You never function if your owner thinks and consciously wills an erection. He has to 'feel' the desires your erection will come automatically..

P. :    Right! My master may 'think' he is aroused and yet not messages reach me to get hard.

I.F. :   You mean the messages are short-circuited?

P. :    Yes, Often my master attempts sex when he is bored, or tired and tense. he does not really feel aroused and I do not react to half-hearted messages. I am a no-nonsense organ.


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Revised: May 04, 2012
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